tulum, mexico

january 2020.

“i feel a frantic desire to free myself. to start all over again and in another way.”

- milan kundera

oh, tulum.

you popped in right when i needed you the most. 

january 2020 - it was a week that turned out to be everything i didn’t even know i needed + more. 

i could feel myself slowly coming back to life after such a rough couple months prior to this trip.

and i wrote a little something in my journal actually, while i was there. that i wanted to share.

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“and although this has been quite the transitionary stage in my life - months of shifts, and changes. months of learning how to navigate my inner world of emotion and feeling. months of tuning inward, months of seeking out who i really am. months of triumph, and defeat. a time of firsts, and lasts. but secretly, quietly, over here in my own little world. riding waves of uncertainty, shifting in & out of who i once was and who i’m meant to be. more often than not, i feel quite disconnected from myself - who i am, where i am going, what i am doing exactly. it’s a feeling of detachment and patience, acceptance and gratitude. forgiveness. for myself, and others. learning how to let go and trust the process. reminding myself. reminding myself, that amidst all the change, there are constants in this life. constants that remind me why i’m here. constants that will stay right here, with me, gently nudging me, whispering “hey you, i see you” 

the buzz of excitement when your plane touches the ground in a new place, wide open and ready to be explored. the way the light hits when it peeps through the trees. the way music feels. really feels - when you’re there, in a sea of people, eyes closed and swaying. reminding yourself that this feeling has been here, all along. this is why you fell in love with it all, so long ago. don't you remember? making eye contact and smiling at strangers among the crowd. throwing your head back and your hands up as the rain starts to come down, hard. you’re in another country, another world. but you are here and you are home. the sun starts to rise and a new day begins as you feel into every inch of your body, focused solely on the now. here here here you are. you’re finding yourself again, reminding yourself how good life can feel. light & sounds & colors & energy surround you. the way it feels to stretch. a solid hug, a warm embrace. “i love you” “i see you” “i hear you” “thank you” “i appreciate you” the feeling of support, the feeling of understanding. when their face lights up when they see you. “i’ve missed you” the gift of a beautiful experience, serendipitous moments, a once in a life time opportunity. that feeling of frisson. “i got you” “this reminded me of you” “i’ve been thinking of you” the way light looks underwater. the bokeh, dancing around you as fish swim by. the world goes quiet, but only for a moment. time stands still. the feeling after a warm shower, a feeling of cleanliness and bran new. face masks. driving down an empty road, window down and the world at your fingertips as you watch it all fade away. seeing signs, seeing numbers. 333. a cosmic nudge. a feeling of connection. energy. sensing a smile being hidden as you strike up a conversation with a former stranger. hot yoga. the feeling of sweat dripping down as you move into every inch of your body. you are healthy, here, whole. do not make yourself so small. life is meant to be big. that feeling after you cry. a good long cry, one that leaves you at peace, understanding that everything will be okay. a deep breath. peppermint oil. that first sip of a fresh juice, a yummy cocktail. reminding yourself that you are enough. that you are capable of anything. that this is all apart of a much larger plan. reminding yourself that you are still an artist, even if your work has seen no one’s eyes but your own for the last six months. i am holding it here, close to me. waiting to share it with the world. reminding yourself that you are here, doing this. and you are doing the best that you can. life is big and beautiful and loud, life is meant to be experienced. life is meant to hurt, life is meant to heal. do not make yourself small, do not hold yourself back. step out of your mind. remind yourself that thoughts are just thoughts, who ever said they were true? this is the end of the cycle and beginning of another. hold this and these feelings close to your heart. shedding skin is okay. growing pains are okay, too. don’t loose sight of the things that remain important. remember who you are. "we loose ourselves in the things we love. we find ourselves there, too" remember who you wanted to be before the world told you otherwise. remember your inner child. tell her that she’s going to be okay. tell her you love her. that you forgive her. remember your dreams. cling tight to that vision. cling to the feeling that leaves you buzzing and step into your Self. you are not alone. wherever you go, there you are. today is the first day of the rest of your life. these constants. remember this. be here, here & now.”

here we are. tulum through my eyes. 

all shot on 35mm film.

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